I've frequently daydreamed of the moment that I get the call I've been waiting for. I'm sitting at my desk (that right there should tell you it's a dream, because I'm never at my desk...unless, of course, I have a graduate student treating for me;)) and my phone rings. I pick up to James telling me the perfect job has been offered to him and this struggle is over for us. I've also spent way too much time thinking about how I would share this news with all of the people who've spent hours in prayer for us. I have portions of the post/email/phone call/monologue tucked away in my memory for that sweet moment. I've thought how I can't wait to give God all of the glory. To let everyone know that He's shown us favor. To tell everyone what a great God He must be to have given us just what we wanted! Oh, how foolish I must've looked to him in those moments. Because the truth is, He deserves the glory and honor and reverence and praise now - in the times of sorrow and struggle and despair and frustration and fear.
This is my 300th post. When I went back to read my 200th post, I realized James had already been laid off when I wrote it. 100 posts and 16 months later, here we are sitting in the same place. For me, the past sixteen months have been quite a journey with God. I wish I could say that I've been in this constant state of trust and deep intimacy with the Lord, but He and I know, that is far from the truth. I am thankful because I've had so many sweet moments with Him - raw, real moments where I could feel Him here with me, teaching and humbling and molding me into the woman I'm meant to be. But. There have also been many moments of anger and frustration and fear and distrust and apathy.
One of my favorite songs is called Celebrate the Day by Relient K. At one point the lyrics are "from the lack of my persistency we're less than half as close as I wanna be". I love that. That's me. I'm sure that's all believers to an extent. There are so many things about the Lord that I am constantly in awe of, so many things about Him that overwhelm me to tears. If I had to pick out one, though, it would be His chase after us. He seeks me over and over. He seeks to know me. To comfort me. To teach me. To have intimacy with me. To have my trust and devotion and faith and love. And when I repeatedly fail Him, He waits patiently for me to return to Him. I can't remember the exact reference, but there is a line of old testament scripture that says, "He's jealous for us." I love that, too. He wants my love and trust and devotion, and I owe that to him.
Our life right now is not easy. Don't get me wrong - I know I live a charmed life when you put it in perspective, but we are living through a serious struggle right now...For us...In this country and class and time period. The things that have been hard for me have evolved over the past 16 months. First it was fear of finances, then anger at God and James and all of my friends whose lives were going on perfectly, then devastation to leave my children all day everyday, and a million more that I can't possibly remember. Currently, it's that I so badly want to play the traditional role of a wife and mother, and as much as it pains me to write it, the role I'm playing right now is more like the father. James is their primary caretaker. He does more of the running of our home and caring for or disciplining our kids. It is a difficult thing on a marriage when the roles are reversed, but God has graced me with a husband who above everything else is obedient to Him...and after that loves me more than I deserve to be loved. The point is, though, that God will take me through this just as he has all of my other struggles during this trial. Once again, He will show me that He has a purpose in this.
He has made this day. He has purposed this to happen. And what He wants from us, from me, is to seek Him first. There have been many portions of scripture that have been so encouraging to me throughout this journey. I'm going to share some of my favorites here, hoping that it will enourage you as well...
"You need to persevere, so that when you have done the will of God, you will receive what he has promised..." Hebrews10:36
"May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit." Romans 15:13
"Call to me and I will tell you great and unsearchable things you do not know." Jeremiah 33:3
"But he knows the way that I take; when he has tested me, I will come forth as gold." Job 28:10
"The Lord is good, a refuge in times of trouble. He cares for those who trust in Him." Nahum 1:7
"Do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed , for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you. I will uphold you with my righteous right hand." Isaiah 4:10 (I heart Isaiah...it's my favorite book.)
This one has been the most encouraging to me. I keep it at my desk at work...
"Consider what God has done: who can straighten what he has made crooked? When times are good, be happy; but when times are bad, consider: God has made the one as well as the other." Ecclesiastes 7:13-14a